Posts tagged: zero_percent

The Best Credit Card Ever

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You shop around for weeks, perhaps even months before you apply for a credit card. You have looked around in what feels like all the possible places for a good credit card company, good interest rates, a descent rewards program, and good possibilities for credit limits. You finally decide on one, but you’re still not sure you’ve found the right one. Well, my friend, you need to take advantage of the best credit card ever. We call it the credit card from heaven, which where you have to go to apply for it. Here are a few of the benefits of a credit card you can only get after you die.

Interest Rates

None whatsoever. Other companies offer you zero percent interest for a certain period of time, then rack it up after that time expires. With us, we’ll let you keep the zero percent interest… forever. You never pay a dime of interest. With us, the only interest you pay is taking interest in our company and signing with us. Having a customer like you is a privilege, and we want to keep you, no matter what it takes.

No Monthly Payments Until The End Of Time

Not only are you free of interest for the entire time you have this card, you don’t even have to pay back what you spend. The greatest pay we could ever receive from you is your beautiful smile every time you run that card through the machine and pack home that new $9,000 hand bag that’s too small to hold your cash anyway. Spending thousands of dollars is monthly payment enough, just knowing you are holding our card between your tightly clenched fingers.

Rewards Rewards Rewards

You may want to get bigger pockets and more vacation time. For every dollar that you spend, you get ten points back. You can trade those points in for just about anything you want. Cash, gasoline, skymiles, lottery tickets, peanut butter… whatever you want. Just spend the money, and we’ll give you the rewards, just because we love you.

Always Qualify

No matter who you are, where you come from, or how bad your credit is, you will never be turned down at our company. Getting this credit card is as easy as getting free samples at Costco. All you have to do is come to us and ask for it. Even if your credit score is in the negatives, which is impossible, by the way, you will still qualify to have our credit card. It’s our way of helping out the little guys, and helping out people who are otherwise rejected.

So whatever kind of credit card you have now, it’s probably not as good as ours. Come in and get one now. We hand them out like dinner mints at a cheap restaurant, and we want you to partake of the advantages that are in store for you.
This advertisement for the credit card from heaven is brought to you buy BS Inc. We’d like to thank the Over My Dead Body Association for making this credit card offer possible.